The Languages of Love
Grab a drink and sit down. No pictures for this one, just words ….
Love??? You might be thinking Aremti are probably a bit late for this one, aren’t they? Us blokes touched on the love thing in February. Do we need to review this again in March? We did all that displaying of love in February when businesses spent a big chunk of their marketing budget trying to get us to buy their products, whilst others trampled over each other to get us to go to their restaurant. We’ve done the chocolate and flower thing. What now?
Hold up! This isn’t going to be one of those blogs. There’s nothing to sell here (well maybe a cheeky mention of a product if we can manage to squeeze it in somewhere), but just a bit of awareness raising for our followers. Hopefully a penny might drop…
At Aremti we are all about that four-letter word – love. Self love, this love, that love, skin love… We love LOVE. It’s what makes the world go round (with a bit of cash of course!) and what we need more of. Let’s face it, who doesn’t like knowing they are loved?
So let’s talk about love and start at the very beginning. You popped into the world… Yes we all arrived somehow and we here we are. You take your first breath and are put in your mum’s arms and there you experience that first ever feeling of love. She hugs you, kisses you, feeds you, rocks you, changes your stinky nappies and for some time you get her undivided attention. Does she need to say it to you for you to know she loves you? She just does. Does she need to buy you chocolates? I guess not. You just have that knowing that all is well and you FEEL that love.
Some time later, you start walking and exploring the world. That’s when you start to form opinions about people, situations, yourself, life. You are absorbing it all like a little sponge that you are, taking in everything. You start to create your world, your reality, your perspective on life and that includes that word – love. However, you are also a little meaning making machine. You form your own perspective on things according to the meaning you ascribed to it. Yes YOU give things a meaning. Stay with us… This might get a bit deep… But the concept of love, hate, right, wrong, success, failure, in fact everything…. is your doing!
Let’s take an example of two kids. Johnny (apologies to the Johnnys, but it seemed like a good name to pick) and Danny. And one almost identical situation…
Both boys (unrelated) are normal, healthy, happy 4-year olds brought up in caring families. One day they each go into town with their mums and see a toy they want. Johnny’s mum buys it for him and he is happy. He feels loved. His little mind might decide buying that toy for me means mum loves me. Danny, on the other hand, is denied that toy as his mum doesn’t think he needs it. In that moment, little Danny makes an altogether different decision. He might make up several decisions about this situation, but one of them might be ‘She didn’t buy me that toy. I am not loved. She doesn’t love me’. For you and me on the outside, we know that is not true, but in that very moment little Danny decided he wasn’t loved.
Let’s assume that Danny is faced with another similar situation where he is denied another toy. He’s already unconsciously stored that memory of lack of love, so now here comes another to compound the feeling.
Wo! Wo! WO! Hold up! This is a bit deep isn’t it? Aren’t we all about skincare here? Well yes ….and no. We have always maintained your overall well being and taking care of yourself is as important as that natural Exfoliating Lemon and Poppy Seed Soap we in stock that your skin will thank you for in the shower 😉
Anyway, these little incidents accumulate and next thing you know you’re an adult. Little Danny becomes big Danny – with a whole load of decisions, meanings and stories.
The example of Johnny and Danny is just one example of how that little meaning making machine can create their ‘truth’ about their reality. Imagine the thousands and thousands of things that are seen, heard and observed in those formative years. Fast forward several years when Danny meets Jane. Jane has also made up a whole load of meanings about life, about love and the likes. Can you imagine the amount of variations there are for misunderstandings in the area of love?
(Is it any wonder some people prefer dogs. They are far less complicated 😊)
Gary Chapman, American author, concluded there are in fact FIVE principal ways to express the feeling of love. His book “The Five Languages of Love” explores this in greater detail, but in brief Chapman outlines these five general ways romantic partners express and experience love:
Affection – Do you like to be hugged, stroked, kissed, caressed? Do you like having your shoulders massaged? Are you a touchy-feely person who needs to make physical contact?
If so, you have decided affection is your primary language of love
Doing – Do you like having things done for you? Do they like someone to make you dinner, tidy the house, run errands for you, fix things around the house? You like someone to ease the burden of responsibilities for you? Do you like to do things for others?
If so, your primary language of love is acts of service and you are a doer.
Giving or Receiving – Do you like to receive gifts? Do you like to give gifts? This is not to be mistaken for a materialism. You thrive on the effort someone makes behind the gift.
You love the thought and attention bestowed on you, however small the gift is.
Time – Are you someone who wants someone’s time? Do you like people to stop what they are doing at show you attention? Do you like uninterrupted time talking with your loved one or doing something that you feel deepens your connection with each other.
Words – Not just any words but words of affirmation, encouragement, positivity. Do you need to be supported with words of acknowledgement? Do you thrive on words of encouragement? Do you like to show your appreciation by telling someone what you think? Do you tell someone you love them continuously?
What happens if Danny and Jane do not share the same language of love? Or if they have made up different meanings about love?
“Give me a hug” and she thinks “When was the last time you bought me flowers?”
“Does my bum look big in this?” and doesn’t give her the words of encouragement she craves
“Let’s cuddle and watch a film” and they hear “Any excuse not to do those jobs that need doing”
She buys him the whole Aremti range – just the right one of his skin type 😉 – and he thinks “I just want sex”
“I won’t make it home for dinner. Please leave it in the oven” can be hurtful to someone whose primary love language is quality time
“I love you” and she just wants an Audi A6 or the shelves putting up (Given a choice, she would prefer the Audi of course!)
The list is miscommunications is ennnnnnnndless! How complicated is all that!
Can a relationship work with different love languages?
Who knows. We don’t give couple’s relationship guidance. Nor do we have crystal balls. Well some of us do, but we won’t go there… But there are some logical steps you can take to understanding yourself and things better.
1 Understand your story and that of your partner’s. What meaning have you and they ascribed to that notion of love. What’s the story?
2 Be honest with yourself and be clear what you prefer. The ask your partner what they like.
3 Accept you may have different love languages
4 Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Say what you want. And then be open to listening.
5 Compromise – give and take with each other. Ditch the story if necessary
If all else fails, pop yourself in the bath with an Activated Cleansing Charcoal Face Mask for just £8 and have some time out! In fact the sachet is big enough for two uses so you could have a couple of baths or share it while you discuss what you have just read.
We warned you this would be deep!
If you love this, please share. If you don’t, have a great day and don’t take life too seriously!